Did You Like Your Eulogy?
Dr. Pfister and family “living life to the fullest” at a recent Styx concert at Blossom
I must apologize to my readers for the irregular schedule that I have had this Spring. I have seen people use the word “interesting,” but I save that word for exhibits at museums, antiques, and paintings…
My Spring has been an emotional roller-coaster, to say the least. My wife and I went to New York City in the beginning of May to see our son graduate with his Masters in Performing Arts. Describing in words the energetic vibe of NYC (if you have been there you know what I mean) is nearly impossible. The museums, the food vendors, seeing a play on Broadway, the 9/11 Memorial, the Statue of Liberty, and the list goes on and on... Frank Sinatra said it best in his song, “New York, New York,” describing it as the “city that never sleeps; as it melts away your small town blues.”
Just when it seemed that things couldn’t get any better, my wife and I experienced a surreal phenomena, watching our son perform his graduation monologue in a romantic presentation on The Big Screen in front of his peers and professors! We were amazed and overwhelmed with emotions, as the monologue between our son and his female counterpart rolled on. Fighting the tears was useless, as it was truly a moving parental moment to remember!
But then my wife got “the” call…
The call that all children dread. Her mom had been rushed to the hospital and was on a ventilator. The Stage IV lung cancer had taken a turn for the worse. We loaded up the suitcases and took the first plane home.
She passed the next morning.
She had been retired for over 20 years, saw three of her grandchildren graduate from college, and lived in the house she built, right up to the end… she lived a good life!
We never know when our day will come, which is why so many life-enhancement coaches and books constantly reiterate, “Live each day as if it were your last.”
So where am I going with this trend of thought? As I was sitting here writing my mother-in-law’s eulogy and thinking about my own mother’s eulogy (which I wrote a few months back), some thoughts came to me:
“When someone writes my eulogy… what will they say? Will I like It? Can they be truthful? Or will a bit of verbal sugar help the medicine go down?”
My wife thought this was a morbid topic to write on, but I felt it had some sustenance and moral value. Like a moral compass, I feel it should be checked every so often. Remember, we don’t know which sunrise is our last! Let’s take a closer look.
I know most of my readers have heard the line, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Body language and facial expressions play significantly into one’s delivery. My son said he had several coaches and classes going over the proper way to deliver what you want to say, so as not to be misunderstood or misconstrued. In fact, he said that it is the life of an actor… proper delivery of the script… at just the right time and with the emphasis on the right syllable… and bingo, you are Tom Hanks or Kevin Costner!
There have been many times in my office that — after a presentation of a case to a patient and the patient has left — one of my close staff will look me in the eyes and say, “I don’t think you came across the way you think you did!” Then, they go on to recommend I call the patient or parent that evening to clarify a few points.
How we come across to people over time begins to form our “persona” and will eventually end up in our eulogy, given by those who knew us well.
I think it’s fair to ask our spouses, significant others, soulmates, or close friends, “Hey, please be truthful, am I coming across the way I think I am?”
I am very lucky to have seven daytime critics and a truthful wife to come home to; but many of you may need to search out a personal life coach. Yes, they do exist. I zoomed a class over the Covid Quarantine on honing in on one’s personal compass. I stayed with it for 30 weeks. It gave me a little better insight into how I react to certain situations. It’s not earth-shattering data. But you might find it to be a professional person’s confirmation that you are not crazy and that you are more normal than you might think you are!
Eventually, life coaches want to go one-on-one with you, along with in-depth personal evaluation. And the hourly fee can be pricey! If you feel that you have strayed from life’s path that far… third or fourth marriage… even thoughts of suicide… maybe this is the best money you ever spent!
Knowing oneself, being true to oneself, and then projecting this to those around us… this may truly be our happiest place.
Why, then, am I discussing this topic you may ask? If you have passed and are looking down (or up) from wherever you ended up — and you are listening to someone eulogize you — do you like what you are hearing?
I’m sorry but it’s a bit too late to change it!
That is why life coaches have you critique yourself. If you are unsure, ask someone you really trust to be painfully honest. Ask them if they were to write a eulogy about you today, what would they say? If you don’t like what they say about you and you’re really wondering who the devil is this person talking about, then it might be time to take a look in the mirror and change your ways!
Your life is your responsibility. This truism should never be forgotten! I feel too many people today are selling themselves short by not thinking out-of-the-box. They’re paralyzed by Covid, our government, the price of gas, and are living a mundane lifestyle as a result! Their eulogies will be quite brief — they were born, they existed, and they passed… let’s all pray! Pray for what? It’s too late, the poor soul is gone. He or she didn’t even come close to their genetic potential.
If you don’t like your current job, for goodness sake, there are plenty of new and exciting jobs begging for someone to fill the many empty voids. I have had several parents of my patients over the last year or two lose their jobs (of sometimes 10 or more years), take on a new job, and feel rejuvenated! One dad said it was the best thing ever for him. He did remark the first steps in a new direction are tough, but they can be very rewarding… and not just monetarily!
My hope is that my many varied readers will find that truthful person in their lives who will give them honest coaching in the form of gentle corrections and comments when they stray from their true pathway in life.
I’d like to offer a challenge to all the dads of the world this weekend.
This Sunday, we celebrate Father’s Day, honoring the dads in our lives. We do so in a myriad of ways — gifts, meals, hugs, clay pots, macaroni plaques, and the list goes creatively on and on, to thank dad for being a Great Dad.
Here’s my challenge — look in your heart, look in the mirror, and ask yourself if you are honestly being the best dad you can be.
If the answer is no, or you have doubts, then what are you going to do about it?
Kids grow up quickly. Your window of involvement is smaller than you think. I have two close friends who are bending over backwards, doing things for their grandchildren that they did not do for their children! They have shared their guilt with me and the pain in their eyes ain’t pretty!
Let Sunday be your launch date to becoming the Greatest Dad your children could ever know! Hint, hint… it doesn’t take cash, just a whole lotta love.
Happy Father’s Day to all my great readers,
- Dr. Pfister