The Modern “Dad”
Dr. Pfister enjoys the company of his 2 sons on Father’s Day.
Sonora Smart Dodd, having been raised with five other siblings by a single parent dad, in 1909 felt (according to History.com) that male parents needed a Mother’s Day equivalent to recognize and thank them for their unselfish love in parenting…
She got her local church and community to celebrate that year and, with much legwork and a determined spirit, the State of Washington celebrated the first ever organized Father’s Day in 1910. But it was not until President Richard Nixon signed Proclamation 4127 on May 1, 1972, that Father’s Day became a National Holiday, celebrated on the third Sunday in June, the first one being held on June 18, 1972.
The concept of family has gone through many changes since Sonora’s time; and, for any of us over 50, the challenges of parenthood just seem to keep growing when compared even to our parents’ time at the family table.
Traveling sports, as well as activities like dance and gymnastics, didn’t even exist in Hinckley in the 60s and 70s when I was growing up. We had Scouts once-a-month and little league baseball twice-a-week. The rest of the time we hung out in the woods or creek bottoms. Half the time, my parents didn’t even know where my brother and I were; but we knew we better be home - chores done and washed for dinner - before dad got home.
When dad got home, everyone was at attendance for dinner and we were not accompanied by cell phones or ear buds. We had conversations and we listened intently to dad expound on the virtues of his day and experiences as he sold insurance. When my dad passed suddenly, my sister, brother, and I were all under 14. My mom, being a traditionalist, kept our shooting club open twice-a-week, in order for us to have male mentoring benefits and male bonding experiences as we grew up. My mom confessed this to me years later when I confronted her with the question of why she kept it open, because to her it reminded her of my dad and she would often cry as we walked home after a shoot.
Nobody in my mom’s family was allowed to get divorced. They held strictly to the traditional and biblical family structure, that it takes two parents of opposite gender to provide growing children with the ABC’s of life. I remember Father’s Day as a very special time in our family (even though it was short-lived). It was a time we all gathered around dear old dad with our special gifts of ties and shirts from Penny’s or Sears. Then, mom would make Dad’s favorite, chicken paprikash, and we would pile into, yes, our family station wagon and go out for ice cream!
That was then… this is now. Let’s look at how things have changed…
Being a Dad today is tough. It is my belief (and supported, I’m sure, by some medical facts) that estrogen allows moms to be more flexible with family issues than testosterone allows dads to be. I see dads trying to set rules and set examples for their children on how certain family situations should be handled; and then the child turns on television or pulls out his or her cell phone and finds at least three other dad opposing examples for the same situation.
Today, dads are so busy working to keep a roof over the family’s head that many times I feel they lose out on the actual family dynamics. This is very evident in my office when simply asking a dad would he like to schedule his child’s next orthodontic visit. First, there is the deer-in-the-headlights stare, then stuttering, and finally… in a very not-so assured voice, “No, Mom will call.”
Gone is the old tradition of moms raising the daughters and dads raising the sons. That was way too easy. In some instances (as in the case of my nephew’s upbringing and that of many of my patients), moms have only sons to raise… or dads have only daughters. Watching today’s dads raising daughters is quite impressive, because today’s daughters aren’t just sitting around at quilting bees or baking cupcakes. Heck, these girls are playing rugby, travel-every-sport-possible, and, in my hunting and fishing circles, they have more YouTube videos than the boys have! The black-and-white gender differences of our parents’ day have been replaced by a sea of overlapping gray, with guys cooking and girls drag racing.
Today’s dad must be flexible and open-minded, seeing his child as a developing young person who craves attention and respect, always striving for independence, but inwardly enjoying the security of home.
To be successful, a dad today must take his developing young children and provide them with as many opportunities as possible to enable them to capitalize on their strengths and work on their weaknesses. He must help them become the creative and loving people they were meant to be.
Gone are the phrases my father liked to use, “Well, in my day we...” I still feel there is a place for reminding our children of the past, if only to serve as an example of how times have changed and how lucky they are today. But to stubbornly hold to the rules and family structure of the past, I have seen in my practice, alienates the child. And if the child feels there is no connection to modern-day by the parent, the child moves to other “cool” individuals for help in adjusting his or her life compass.
The dad who stays current with his kids by coaching their sports or helping them to practice (and attending their games, concerts, or recitals) is the dad who stays “cool”! In modern times, the dad role may come from different individuals and may look quite different than the dad role we, as parents, grew up with.
This weekend, let’s take a moment to celebrate fathers everywhere, be it the guy grilling dinner, building the deck, a non-biological mentor, or caring female… we have learned that it’s the love, care, and kindness that defines fatherhood, not the person or gender! Even if your pop, dad, father, or “old man” may be irritable at times or down-right grumpy and opinionated, you are important to him, even if he doesn’t always say so. Give your Dad a big hug this weekend, shower him with love, and thank him for always being there.
Happy Father’s Day Weekend,
- Dr. Pfister